Houston Desperately Seeks Redemption

As I bus and walk and meander through the streets of Houston, Texas there are some general trends I have come to notice. And by trends I refer to mini malls stacked upon mini malls, hidden within the nooks and crannies of mini malls, tucked in the cleavage of lingerie stores lurking in mini malls. It has become my mission to seek out that which may redeem Houston in my eyes, if not in the eyes of the mini-mall rats. And so what follows is a work in progress of the redeeming features of Houston, Texas:



1) La Carafe - a shitty little downtown bar. It resides in the oldest commercial building in town built around 1850 and it looks it. The plaster walls are slowly falling apart revealing the brick within, the bar is built stout out of 2 by 8's and carved deep by the knives of many a stranger. Old photos adorn the walls and they only take cash for the beer and wine that they sell cheaply when considering the plush, formal bars that make up the rest of downtown




2) All Stars Gentleman's Club - this one could easily go against redemption. But in reality it is an anomaly and as such provides some sort of strange redemption for a town so lacking in irregularities you'd think it was the backdrop for a Hanna Barbara chase scene. So here we go, for Alec's birthday I decided to take him to a strip joint. Fortunately for us we had a driver. Unfortunately we'd been watching the playoffs all day and I was wearing shorts, sandals, and a wife beater. Perfectly normal, right? Well the high class strip joints of Houston weren't having it. After peeling out past the valet parking we were denied at the door of TREASURES do to my "casual attire". So naturally we went to the Penthouse Club where a door man met us to inform us regrettingly that the Penthouse was closed down temporarily (prostitution) but that the All Stars across the street was the partner joint and all the girls had been employed there. After declining his offered ride across the street in a golf cart we headed over to find our fortune in naked breasts. Disappointment lurked in latex, for though All Stars is a topless bar, nipples are strickly forbidden from being displayed to the innocent eyes of the ne'er-do-wells of Houston. So instead of relishing in the glory of the full, youthful shape and smooth skin of the female form we were presented with breasts encased in worn, flaky, peeling latex leading to what might have been a nipple but just as easily could have been the spent, chewed on pencil eraser lying on the floor of the local elementary school.

To their credit the beer flowed readily and there were plenty of girls walking about including a 45 year old mother of 5 with fake tits, the February Penthouse Playmate, and a not so fresh faced 18 year old. It may have been easy to get a beer but earning a lapdance took way more than just money. Overall, it was a disappointing journey for the the city reknowned for having the best strip joints in the country. Personally, I'd just spend a few more minutes at the porn rack at your local Indian convenience store.



3) "Hello, Boss. Back again, Boss?"

"Yeah, back for more," I reply as I set the 6 pack of 16 oz cans of Red Dog on the counter. He looks at the beer and smiles, "Ahhh, Tea Time."

"What?" I asked.

"Looks like it's Tea Time."

Just the latest reason why my favorite Indian convenience store worker is on this list...Let me count the ways. He's a middle aged slightly pudgy version of the norm. He wears gold jewelry and more than enough cologne to overpower the scent of curry seeping through his pores. He's remembered me since the first day I stepped foot into his domain and he's always got a barely intelligible wise crack about me buying beer before most people have had lunch. He sells beer, a token few snack foods, and porn. Some beer is in six pack bottles, some in 12 pack cans, but the selection is all in 6 packs of 16 oz cans. The food is overpriced and dusty and I'm sure is there to fill a licensing requirement by the city. The porn is ample and hardcore. It fills your standard two shelf convenience store magazine rack. Some I've never seen before and a select few are in combo packs of DVDs and magazines for one low price. Front and center sandwiched between Club, Swank, and Hustler is a signed hard backed copy of a book chronicling the highs and lows of the illustrious career of the Backstreet Boys. I considered taking a picture but feared documentation may sully the purity of the experience.





4) A fourth has yet to have been discovered. Today I head into the heart of Houston's old town which in recent years has become the gay neighborhood. If I return whole, there might be another entry arguing in favor of Houston's redemption.